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Author: David_Marshall, Contributing Editor
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| 10. Use boring language and lack inspiring material
Wake me up when it’s over. |
| BONUS:
11. Lack of Empathy If you learn nothing else learn this. |
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| First Impressions
Stop and think about the most memorable meetings you have had with other people. It may have been an introduction to a friend or a lover. It may have been a job interview. Whatever it was, try to focus on the first 10 seconds of the encounter. What did you feel and think? __________________________________________________________ How did you “read” the other person? __________________________________________________________ How do you think they read you? __________________________________________________________ How accurate were the first impressions? __________________________________________________________ Did the tone of the first 10 seconds carry over to the rest of the meeting? __________________________________________________________ Was there immediate rapport or tension? __________________________________________________________ Now, think back over the last few days. Did you meet anyone new? Try to remember. What happened in the first ten seconds? How did you feel about that person? __________________________________________________________ Finally, think about yourself. What sort of impression do you believe you make on others in the first ten seconds? __________________________________________________________ How aware are you of all the verbal and nonverbal signals you send to others? __________________________________________________________ How aware are you of underlying messages sent by others, face, voice, eyes and body? __________________________________________________________ How much control do you feel you have over these signals? __________________________________________________________ It is important to concentrate on these questions because they help you define who you are and how others perceive you which will in turn enhance your communication. Children are natural at reading people. They know when to ask Daddy or Mommy for something. They know when there is tension between their parents. And they know when everybody thinks they are adorable. As we get older, we begin to block these natural “reading” techniques. We need to open them up again. Pay attention. Watch. Listen. Talk less. Notice if people’s words are saying the same thing as their voice sounds like. Your Face Speaks Louder Than Words Research shows that the eighty muscles of the face are capable of making more than seven thousand different facial expressions - Nick Jordan, “The Face of Feeling,” Psychology Today 20, no 1 (January 1986), p. 8. As you get better at reading facial signals you will become much more successful at meaningful communications. We were taught early on that our faces can give us away. Business executives, freeze their faces regardless of the emotional state they are in. They believe a “poker face” is a strategic advantage. But you will find that you gain the most credibility with an audience when they feel you’re completely open and are not hiding anything. The audience will view a warmer more vulnerable personality as being stronger and less afraid. Exercise: Mirror Image Exercise Sit across from a friend. Decide who is person A and who is person B. Person A tell the other about a subject you find interesting. Using the same subject, repeat the conversation however, imagine you are talking to a child. Did your face soften and your eyes more expressive, and was there a tendency to care more that the listener understood what you were saying? Laughing Faces Think of something funny until you smile. When you do have ask the other person to tell you what they saw your face do. Did your eyes smile as well as your mouth. It is important not try to make a smile. Concentrate on that thought until your whole face is smiling naturally. Note carefully how your face smiles. |
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| 2. IT IS YOU WHO YOU ARE SELLING
What You Say Is Not Who You Are What exactly does this mean? It means that when you communicate with someone, it’s not just the words you choose you are also sending signals about what kind of person you are. Though we intellectually know this emotionally we are perceiving a different impression. Your eyes, your facial expression, your body movement, your voice, your passion about your message, and your sense of humor. The person on the other side is bombarded with all these signals from you. Everything you do will cause the other person to make judgments about what you stand for and what your message is. It all comes down to the fact that unless you be yourself, your authentic self, you miss that critical point and opportunity. Words are meaningless unless the total you is sending the message. The total you affects how others feel about you and respond to you. So you must identify what you want and why you want it before you begin to ask for it, present it or convey it. Why you want something is more important than know what you want. What it means is that your total message determines whether you’re going to be successful in whatever career you’ve chosen, whether you’re going to win or lose, whether you are going to become a superstar or just another drone collecting a paycheck and wristwatch at your retirement. It is that important. You must accept that you (all of you) is the total message. And that message will determine whether or not you’ll get what you want in this life. If you are uncomfortable with who you are, it will make others uncomfortable too. But if you identify all your good qualities as a person, and get fully associated with this hidden you, others will want to be with you and cooperate with you. Exercise: Describe the you that helps you communicate Consider your physical appearance, energy, how fast or slow you speak, tone of voice, animation and gestures, expressiveness of eyes, and ability to hold the interest of people who listen to you. Add as many other qualities that you can think of. ________________________________________________________________________ Study the list to see which areas you wish to improve. Those categories you feel less confident of are also part of the total you. When you feel that uncomfortable feeling be grateful – it’s an answer speaking to you. __________________________________________________________ All of those impressions of your various parts will have been blended into one complete picture, and other people will base their feeling about you on that impression. Enough of your total picture has to be working in your favor for you to be liked, accepted, and given what you want. Being who you are, not shying away from the authentic you is the key. You already have everything you need to succeed and achieve anything you want in this life, anything you want form your art. People need to like you. You can be not particularly good-looking, you don’t have to have a great voice. If you have good humor, if you take genuine interest in other people this alone can insure your success. Be probing, interested and caring. Let Us Pass Judgment When we were young we were to taught to never pass judgment on other people. The worst advice we ever could have been given. Passing judgment is not necessarily a bad thing. When we say “pass judgment’ we automatically assume we are passing bad judgment – while we could be passing good judgment. The point is to listen to your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable in a situation there are only two possibilities of why you feel this way. The first is you might genuinely feel danger and your body is telling you to move away, and the other is that you are being confronted with a challenge, a lesson that you still need to learn from. When you are honest and open enough with yourself your instincts tell you exactly what you should do and what you should not do. For the next week, whenever you meet someone, quickly form an overall impression. Do I like the person or not? Am I comfortable or not? As soon as the overall impression is formed, write it down. Try to identify as many attributes as you can about the person. Look at their eyes, face, attitude, style, and voice. This exercise will sharpen your instincts about people and it is a natural survival instinct. This is why it was bad advice to tell us not to pass judgment on others - it can get us into trouble not to listen to our inner voice or as my father use to say, “Our bullshit detector.” This will enable you to better “read between the lines” with others. You will quickly spot if people mean what they are saying. You will be able to better strike rapport with the other person because you will be able to discern if they are tired, bored, depressed, or anxious, or if their interest has suddenly been piqued (reading other people accurately is essential if you want to succeed in any sales or negotiating situation.) Remember - write everything down. You should be able to list at least twelve impressions or observations, if you cannot you need to concentrate on this exercise more often. |
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| Exercise:
1. In your own life, in your own eyes, who are you? As artist's, we often don't feel comfortable calling ourselves "an artist" or worse, "creative". For whatever reason – be it lack of self confidence, not feeling good enough or intimidated by seeing other artists talent, we don't feel we have the right to call ourselves an artist. Being an artist is inside you - it has always been part of you. Being good or great is about time. The more you practice the better you become. However, time has nothing to do with being an artist. Once you give yourself permission to call yourself an artist and truly believe it in your heart and soul you will then make tremendous strides with your skill and how "good" you become. You will be astounded by your progress. Take some time now and think about this. Write honestly. "Our fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are poserful beyond measure..." – Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love (1992) |
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